


Torture

by History_Fanatic



Category: Anastasia - Flaherty/Ahrens/McNally, Historical RPF
Genre: F/M, Historical, alexandra feodorovna, alix of hesse, anastasia nikolaevna, as is the case with all my fanfics this can be read as a Anastasia Broadway fanfic if you want, nicholas ii - Freeform, romanov - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 16:14:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17707520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/History_Fanatic/pseuds/History_Fanatic
Summary: Alexandra and Nicholas remember their brief encounter in 1893, 10 years later.This can be read as a Anastasia Broadway fanfic if you want to (although it was written as a real Romanov fanfic)Characters: Alix of Hesse (aka Alexandra Feodorovna), Nicholas Alexandrovich (aka Nicholas II), Anastasia Nikolaevna, Tatiana Nikolaevna, Elisabeth Feodorovna [mentioned], Queen Victoria [mentioned], Ernest Louis [mentioned]





	Torture

**Author's Note:**

> In 1893 Nicky and Alix went (separately of course) to Mossy’s wedding in Berlin and although they saw, they never got to speak to each other (I think they saw each other two times?but Nicky specifically mentions in his letter that he didn’t get to see her “You May well imagine my disappointment at losing such a splendid and easy chance of flying off to Pelly [code name for Alix]”). Anyways, I’m an idiot and forgot that they didn’t have a moment alone when I was writing this so let’s take a small historical liberty and pretend that they did speak to each other. Okay? Okay. 
> 
> Also I haven’t proof read this (as this was just meant to be a quick and short fanfic) so sorry for any mistakes grammar or spelling wise. I have included two coloured (by me!) pictures of Alix and Nicholas at the time of their encounter at the end. This is my first time writing stuff a little different so please go easy on me

**14th January 1903 [Old Russian Calendar Style]**

“What are you doing, Nicky?” Alexandra asked. She had walked in holding the hand of little Anastasia and Tatiana. “Are those your diaries?”

“Yes, I’m just reading a few of my entries from 1893.” Nicholas replied while moving the pages. Alexandra slightly raised her eyebrow and smiled “Feeling a little nostalgic are we?” She remarked. Tatiana and Anastasia had rushed over to their father the moment they saw him. 

Nicholas gave a bright smile to his daughters before slightly huffing as he continued to flip through the pages. His huffing immediately stopped as he felt his wife’s hand on his shoulder. “I’m trying to find a photo from Mossy’s wedding, Ernie wanted me to send him it after I said I still had it somewhere in my diary.” He explained 

“Is that the photo you want to send to Uncle Ernie, Papa?” Tatiana suggested and pointed to a photo. “It sure is! Thank you my little sweetheart.” Nicholas responded, kissing her cheek, and sliding the photograph into an envelope.

”Tatiana! Nastaska! Come and play with us!” Olga shouted from the other room. “We can all play with the pretty dollies!” Maria also yelled. Alexandra smiled and gave them a nod, within seconds they were both running out to play. She watched as she saw Tatiana trying to help Anastasia run faster.

As she and Nicholas read the entries, she remembered all the pain that she had felt in early 1893. As Nicholas flipped the page once more, they came across a date that both of them remembered, for not only had it been the only time they had been able to speak to each other in 1893, but it also took place 10 years ago today.

**14th January 1893 [OS], the day after Mossy’s wedding**

“Hello, Alix.” Alix nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard Nicholas’ voice. She made the disastrous mistake of looking up to his face. His beard was now fully grown to the length he had wanted it and his cheeks seemed a little fuller than the last time they met, she noticed. What she couldn’t stop staring at though, was his big, deep, blue eyes. 

She has always been entranced by his eyes. At first they gave a feeling of warmth, security and friendliness. But if one looked deeper, they could see the hidden sadness in them. Sometimes, usually when he was looking at her, he would have a melancholic expression, as if there was something he wished to tell her.

Noticing that she had been staring at him for a while now, Alix suddenly broke away from his enchanting stare and turned her face down to her book. “Good Afternoon.” She swiftly replied, internally praying that her voice did not sound too shaky.

“I do hope that you are okay? I heard from Ella about your terrible back pain and ear ache.” Nicky questioned with a look of sympathy on his face. Alix shyly smiled at him as she answered, trying to keep a tone of formality “The back pain is still there, but the ear ache seems to be mostly gone. Thank you, dear Nicky, for inquiring.” After her response, Nicholas continued to look at her with a great amount of tenderness in his eyes.

It can’t be, Alix thought to herself. It would make dear Grandmama so upset if anything was to happen, after all, it went expressly against poor Mama’s wishes for none of her daughters to marry into Russia. Though, a small internal voice interrupted, Ella married a Russian Grand Duke, would it be so bad if she were to do so as well?

No! Alix scolded herself. It’s about more than that. She would have to renounce her religion, go against all of her moral standards and leave behind everything she knows and loves, even darling Ernie. Plus Nicky wasn’t just a Grand Duke, he will some day rule all of Russia. The title of Empress or Tsarina seems too big of a title for a mere Hessian Princess.

Alix was shook out of her thinking when Nicholas broke the silence. “You seem to be thinking awfully hard about something so trivial.” 

Trivial! When did matters of heart and religion become trivial, she thought. “I’d hardly call it trivial.” She sputtered out. She could feel her heart beating faster than it already was, she just wanted to run away from the situation and forget everything. She wished that she didn’t feel things so deeply, perhaps all of this would be easier if she was more simple minded. 

Before she could brood over it anymore, out of the corner of her eye she saw Nicholas raise his eyebrow. “I mean no offence, Alicky, but I just don’t think something as simple as a snack is something to think so much about.” 

“A snack?” She practically stuttered out. Nicholas smiled sweetly as he slightly scratched his beard. “It’s completely fine if you don’t want to go with me! I just thought it would be nice, I promise I won’t try to propose again.”

A light blush adorned both of their cheeks. Oh, Alix thought, I must not have heard him, so foolish of me!

“That sounds lovely, Nicky. But I promised Irene and Henry that I would have tea with them.” Alix reluctantly replied. On one hand she was happy to get away from him. If she’s not in his presence, then she can’t be charmed by him (though even the thought of him makes her heart flutter). On the other hand she wished to stay with him, though she knows that that would lead to the passion they have for each other to grow stronger.

Nicky’s face instantly fell, although he had attempted to disguise it. “Oh, that’s alright. I’ll just go off with Xenia and Sandro then, although I’ll have to deal with their constant flirting.” He practically mumbled, adding the last bit with a slight smirk on his face.

She felt so bad for him. There were so many things that she wanted to tell him. She wanted to pour her soul out to him, tell him all her fears, the intensity of her love for him. But alas! Whenever she gets close to saying any of these things, she either gets tongue tied or remembers her promise to Grandmama and poor Papa and the thought of giving up the religion she loves so dearly.

“Will you be at Georgie and May’s wedding? I heard from Aunt Alix that the Queen has invited you and Ernie. It seems that many family members will be going, even my Apapa and Amama!” Nicholas questioned. He looked hopeful that if they could not be together during this wedding, then they surely can be together during the next.

But alas, Alix thought, it seems I’m going to have to break his gentle heart and expression once more!

“Unfortunately not, I have yet to decline dear Grandmama, but I fear my being there is impossible. Ernie and I have had a busy year already so far, and we cannot stop very long in England as we have neither the time, nor the money.” And once again, his once hopeful expression fell.

Nicholas gave her a slight smile, obviously trying to mask his disappointment. His eyes looked so sorrowful, although they still held a certain tenderness in them, and Alix’s heart felt heavy. She was the cause of that sadness, she was the cause of the excruciating pain that she knew tormented them both.

I cannot change my decision, - Alix kept on telling herself - I cannot become untrue to my own confession. I do hope that he does not believe that my love is less, why that love has made it so more hard and difficult to me, and I have been torturing myself. To hurt one whom one loves is wretched, and yet I don’t don’t want him to go on hoping, as I can never change my religion.

The dull ache inside of her suddenly became unbearable. Quickly she placed her arm on his shoulder and opened her mouth to speak, though no words came out. Just as fast as she had extended it, she attempted to pull her arm back when Nicholas grasped onto her fingers before she could stop him. Lightly stroking her hand, his eyes became tearful as he looked at her face.

He started to bring his head down to swiftly kiss the back of her hand, but she suddenly pulled her arm from his and stood up. She gave him a tearful look before whispering “Goodbye, Sweet Nicky.” and then rushed away, leaving Nicholas on his own.

**Author's Note:**

> Here is Nicholas in 1893 (coloured by me)  
> https://66.media.tumblr.com/8c9a68e2f3fe343a5f67a0f27769b70f/tumblr_pml3ejACeg1xdd7r4o1_540.jpg
> 
> This one is Alix in 1892 (less than a month after her Papa’s death so she’s in mourning) as I couldn’t find a clear enough picture of her in early 1893. (again coloured by me)  
> https://66.media.tumblr.com/2bc509f71e4848ec333b5aebad606167/tumblr_pml1ks2Zt61xdd7r4o1_640.jpg
> 
> Nicknames and people:  
> Mossy: Princess Margaret of Prussia (1872 - 1954), Alix’s cousin  
> Ernie: Ernest Louis, Grand Duke of Hesse (1868 - 1937), Alix’s brother  
> Ella: Elisabeth Feodorovna (1864 - 1918, Alix’s sister, previously Elisabeth of Hesse before her marriage  
> Grandmama: Queen Victoria (1819 - 1901), Alix’s grandmother  
> Mama: Alice of Hesse (1843 - 1878), Alix’s (you guessed it!) mother and daughter of Queen Victoria   
> Irene: Irene of Prussia (1866 - 1953), Alix’s sister  
> Henry: Henry of Prussia (1862 - 1929), Alix’s brother-in-law, Irene’s husband  
> Xenia: Xenia Alexandrovna (1875 - 1960), Nicholas’ sister  
> Sandro: Alexander Mikhailovich (1866 - 1933), friend (and later brother-in-law) of Nicholas  
> Papa: Louis IV (1837 - 1892), Alix’s father  
> Georgie: George of York (1865 - 1936), Nicholas’ cousin, later George V  
> May: Mary of Teck (1867 - 1953), later Mary of York and then Queen Mary
> 
> If I’ve forgotten anyone please tell me!


End file.
